Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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