Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
