it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think a kid would responsible me up
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
