why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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