Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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