mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
