just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
