i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
