why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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