remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
