I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
