you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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