I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
