i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
