You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize