U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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