fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
