My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize