Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
