im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
