that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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