wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
