The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
