the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
