even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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