I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
