I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
