he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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