My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
