The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
