he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize