I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
