remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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