I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this just has baby written all over it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
