I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
