Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
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