Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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