I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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