when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
