look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
