White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
