I showed him my bush... on skype.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
