I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
