Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
