I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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