: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
