OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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