Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
