Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you mean i was at the winter classic?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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