I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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