remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
