And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
