so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
