Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
