When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
