Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
