hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
