i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
