how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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